‘The Rise of Skywalker’ Will Probably Suck Anyway—Here’s Why

‘The Rise of Skywalker’ Will Probably Suck Anyway—Here’s Why

Disney’s ongoing Star Wars franchise is big on mixed signals. They torched everything that those who’ve been in this fandom for decades loved about it with The Last Jedi. Hooray for overwhelmingly subverting every possible logical expectation!

And yet what did they do with their The Rise of Skywalker trailer? Spend half of the damn clip recounting the very past they were supposed to have “killed” in the last movie.

It’s kind of pathetic to be so heavy-handed about nostalgia after you stripped the universe of every reason to emotionally invest in the series. Anyway, after trying desperately to (force) awaken our nostalgia boners, we were then provided a series of clips from the upcoming movie.

I’m not going to lie, some shots looked really cool.

Nice and ominous…until it gets ruined by screaming about low fuel.

Cool shots just aren’t enough at this point. We need a good story, not to mention solid, in-depth character and world-building.

Can the movie makers (J.J. Abrams) STOP rehashing everything from Episodes IV through VI over and over again and grow enough of a backbone to do something REALLY special?! By that, I don’t mean subvert viewer expectations by torching every single thing that made Star Wars meaningful. No, I want them to take some chances that both make sense AND could have a bit of pay off.

  • Make Rey a villain.
  • Bring Kylo Ren back to the light side of the force.
  • Kill a major character that’s NOT from the original movies.

Maybe reveal a twist that the audience saw coming. After all, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to fail to subvert viewer expectations or constantly show off how smart you think you are by ruining viewer expectations to feel edgy and “unexpected.” Sometimes the ultimate pay off is doing what the audience has emotionally prepared for and expects.

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Unfortunately, I think this trilogy is WAY past the point where this even matters. Rey is an overpowered Mary Sue for NO reason. At least Luke had the whole “force is strong with my family” thing. Thanks to the Last Jedi, Rey has nothing to do with that and we LITERALLY don’t know why the hell she even was called by Luke’s damn lightsaber and…it’s just a mess at this point. The main character of the new movies is a pointless mess.

Kylo Ren, despite decades of training and an ACTUAL BLOODLINE CONNECTION TO THE MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE ENTIRE SERIES, can’t beat her. The new villains are cartoonishly inept. Like everyone is dumb just to make the new trio seem smart.

They could pull Emperor Palpatine right out of Rey’s rectum and it still won’t make up for the last two movies as far as I’m concerned. Or for what a waste of time that is The Last Jedi. Luke Skywalker, the greatest representative of the Force reduced to drinking green milk while his sister is in danger and his BBF is killed? F**K. YOU.

There’s no coming back from that level of stupidity and disrespect. I don’t care HOW many cool trailers we get!

I know everyone’s freaking out over what looked like Rey with an awesome double lightsaber. Yes, that’s badass looking. But I’m not going to ignore the fact that it looked like she was a CGI character.

What I saw screamed, “prophetic vision just like Luke in The Empire Strikes Back.” In other words, I expect it to be a massive copout where we don’t get our evil Sith-version of Rey, and instead, something not nearly as cool or as intelligent as what we were hoping for.

This feels like bait, like a dream sequence that goes nowhere…

It says a lot when the boldest movie among the newer ones in the Star Wars franchise remains Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Hell, the entire main cast dies by the end of it, including the main character. A little gutsy and unexpected.

We also saw Darth Vader murdering the crap out of rebels in what must be the most “Holy Sh*t!” scene in the entire movie franchise.

Rogue One was a stand-alone that perfectly positioned itself between the prequels and originals while solving a massive plot hole. Of all the new movies, it’s probably been the best at both justifying its existence and giving fans something stellar to appreciate.

The Force Awakens (Did it though? Did it REALLY?) and The Last Jedi failed to do either of those things. While Force Awakens might not have failed outright on its own, the middle finger that was The Last Jedi practically caused its failure retrospectively.

At this point, I am admittedly feeling unconvinced I need to see Episode IX because I suspect like the cool trailers are hiding one last massive disappointment before the smoking ashes of the franchise get handed over to the guys that ruined Game of Thrones.

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If J.J. Abrams can make this last movie even mediocre, I’ll give him a pat on the back. As it stands, my expectations are nil. I’m more pumped for The Mandalorian.

Are YOU looking forward to The Rise of Skywalker? Why or why not?

IMAGES: Disney/Lucas Films/YouTube

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