So I wanted to snap back into fandom action by today. But each waking hour was spent doom scrolling on Reddit, which sent me to Twitter for additional doom scrolling. I went back and forth between images of decimated Russian vehicles and fandom-related tweets. I wanted to make witty quips and discuss fan theories. Truly, I have a lot of things I would love to talk about.
Positive, funny, wonderful things.
Frustratingly, they’re trapped behind the bottleneck of sadness, worry, and guilt. Sadness for the Ukrainian people. Worry about what will happen next and how much worse things could get globally. And also guilt for wanting to chat about lighter, funny things.
I’m finally stepping back from the constant updates, graphic pictures, and worrying over worst-case scenarios. I will say I am absolutely proud of the Ukrainian people rearranging Putin’s thinning wig. Not only that, but I’m even prouder of the fact that the international community is pulling together at a much greater speed than we’ve seen in the past. Even Switzerland!
This hasn’t stopped the wave of mixed emotions. As much as I tell myself that I’m not stupid to want to pivot to funny thoughts and discussions related to my fandom, I still feel the inner critic wanting me to shut up about “things that don’t matter.” But the thing is, ARMY does matter. We’re not perfect, but we have the ability to be a resource in times of trouble, as well as a collective comfort.
I’m reminded of in-fandom situations where there was pain or disappointment, and we pulled together in love and encouraged each other. As this is always our habit, it’s not so surprising that in the face of this brutal conflict, ARMY is being a source of love and encouragement as always.
Yes, there are petty squabbles and yes, there is shade flying but also, this is everyday life. No matter what happens in the greater world, we are all still people, still trying to live our own lives in our own way, according to what we love, hate, laugh at, and fear.
We’re all the same, no matter where and who we are, or what language we speak. None of us are perfect or have the right words or the ability to succinctly sum up our feelings, or express them flawlessly at the right time. I am working through the hang-up of what to express and if I’m able to say what I feel in an accurate manner, or if by the time I understand what I feel if it’s even something I should say.
Many people have a very strong idea of what they want on their feed, and I’m not someone who wants to go out of my way to trigger others, because you can never assume someone’s headspace and emotional well-being based on what you are comfortable exposing yourself to within a 24-hour period.
I feel so many things, but until this blog, I haven’t been able to really say much. And even after finally saying this much, I’m not even sure it all makes sense.
I’m going on a “staycation” within a couple of days, and I’ll be using that window of time to try to mentally and emotionally recover from some of the hardest months of my life. I will probably be scarce this week, but active in other ways, trying my best to push past the anxiety that’s causing my content delays. No doom scrolling, though.
I hope everyone, wherever they are, is doing well. My thoughts are with Ukraine. I hope Putin slips on his wig and goes flying into an active volcano. I love my ARMY fam, and I’m sorry this doesn’t have a title. Really, I thought I’d have one by the end of writing this, but all I can do is hope I was able to express my feelings well. Take care, everyone, and I’ll talk to you all soon.